he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
