im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
