He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
