I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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