i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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