your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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