...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
