Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
