your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
