dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
