Who did Billy Mays play for?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
