im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
