I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
