my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
