she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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