I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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