i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
