my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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