i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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