I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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