Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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