it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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