i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
