I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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