do herpes really smell.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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