I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
