life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
