What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
