so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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