I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
