i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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