I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
