You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
