Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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