he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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