I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
