Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
