oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
