I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
