i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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