I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
