She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize