dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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