girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
