This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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