I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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