your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
