Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
