Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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