I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
