she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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