You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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