I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
