does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
