May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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