Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I've blown a few things in my day
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
