Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
