i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
