I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
