And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Randomize
