Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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